ThatTimeJuls...

 Life doesn't always take the shape of the plans you originally had. Sometimes you don't even see the life you hoped for. But, if you keep on the journey life will take you down paths you never thought would or could be worthy of.  I thought... isn't that the start of every downward spiral? I thought. Sometimes we need to go back a few steps, thoughts, moments to better understand where we are and where we're going. My oldest is chartering his path as a high school freshman. I can only reflect on my high school experience. When I was in high school all I wanted was to lay a foundation that would get me out of my city (New Orleans). I couldn't see past getting out. All I could see was how everyone around me looked stuck. I couldn't pinpoint when they appeared stuck because it seemed like that was life. And I didn't want that life. I wanted big city because I had big city dreams.  Moments make our lives and shape the decisions we make. I was blessed in so many...

Have you ever had a friend or family member that you felt had so much potential but didn't have the drive? I remember getting to a point in my life where I decided I was no longer dating potential. In physics potential energy has the ability to become kinetic energy but it needs a force to act on it. I'm sure you have all heard the saying, "An object at rest will stay at rest, and an object in motion will stay in motion until a force acts on it." We so often want to be the force that pushes the people we love into their purpose, great life choices, or a healthy direction. Recently, I am seeing things in such a different way. We reserve the push of "faith" or hopeful belief for people we love, like, or see something in. We rarely offer that belief or push of faith to our frienemy, or to our loved ones whose dreams we don't understand or agree with. But why? Why do we so eagerly want to be the force that propels someone into their purpose, especially when ...

 How do I begin to express every thought onto paper, every emotion into words, and every feeling into a comprehendible expression? There are so many times where I have a whole lot I want to say but I'm silent. My tongue-tied, my throat in knots, and my mind moving miles a minute. If for a moment I could just say what it is I want to say maybe I wouldn't feel so alone in my thoughts. Every conversation is an uphill battle for anxiety. Make sure you don't have a resting bitch face. Think through what you want to say because you have a list of people that will remind you of your lack of filter. Make sure you're kind because you know there is another list of people that think you're mean. After all of that what I have to say is pointless to me and I'd rather not.  People, even with the purest of intentions can still be hurtful and never know. Truth in the form of accountability wrapped in the kindest of words is still the sharpest knife. I am a lover of truth. I lov...

Most of my overthinking comes from observations I've made. I watch or observe and then I process and I think. I repeat this process often when I'm trying to understand behaviors or determine if what I've observed is a pattern of behavior. There is a theme recently that I've decided to coin the double down effect.  We can get so caught up in what we want that we lose sight of the lines (boundaries) we are crossing.  I need to pause for a moment and be honest. I try my very best to write with authenticity and privacy. I am trying my best to tell a story that clarifies my points but honors those in my life who deserve anonymity. It is a struggle at times because there are times I want nothing more than to tell it all. However, that does not honor who I desire to be as a person nor does it create a space of peace within relationships. Please bear with me as I work through this mental challenge.  I am learning that apologies come easier for some than they do for others. It h...

Art by: Danielle Warsley Williams Instagram: @warsleywillcreate Art by: Danielle Warsley Williams Instagram: @warsleywillcreate   Lately, it seems like everything is toxic. If you don't agree with me you're toxic. If you agree with me too quickly, you're toxic. If our opinions differ in ways that make me uncomfortable yep you guessed it... you're toxic. We love to take an idea, concept, thought and milk it dry.  Me having healthy boundaries that protect my mental, physical, and spiritual wellbeing will never be toxic. It will make you uncomfortable because the games you're used to playing no longer work. I will upset you because I'm standing my ground and you no longer have a foothold. Healthy boundaries are meant to keep the good in and the bad out. If you find yourself on the out wouldn't that make you toxic? Since toxic is something that is extremely bad to the point of harm it is safe to say better out than in.  There are times when we look at situations...

If I'm honest I'm still a little pissed about some things that were said. Now, granted I can only hold you accountable to the things I've heard you say but  I 've heard so much.  You ever have those moments where you have been having a conversation in your head over and over with someone? So, naturally when you see them your off to the races, out the gate firing shots. The only thing is they weren't in your head and have no idea where the attack is coming from. No matter how warranted they are coming in at mid conversation and even that is putting it mildly. You have been stewing in this mental conversation. Observing all the things, making sure to pay extra close to the details of what was said and how. You have made an entire menu from this mental conversation that you have (I have) had with NO ONE!!!! This conversation has only been in my mind. I've replayed, rethought, recasted, turned the camera angle, filled from the other side but still all the characters...

My love, I believed you when you said you were sorry. When you told me things were going to be different I hoped that to be true. But I see you creeping back to the ways that brought us here. Did you mean it when you apologized? You said you were sorry for the actions that hurt me. Was that true or did you play me to believe you had changed when I see the same thing? I believed you or I wanted to well I tried to. I'm learning my love, that apologies are intentions that require no action. We all have good intentions and hope no one gets hurt. But in the end what does it really mean when we can't see intent and we all feel hurt. Forgiveness is given regardless of an apology. However, forgiveness does not mean the relationship is restored. Forgiveness means I no longer hold your actions against you. I am free to move with or without you. You are free to move in a direction of your choice but it may not include me. My involvement in your life is my choice and that depends on your a...

Hey Lover, You remember when we got into that argument? The one that I brought up nearly every month for 3 months. I was thinking...  Have you gotten caught up in the details of something? Have you ever caught yourself reflecting on something and seeing the details you missed? Details... I am an elaborate overthinker. If you give me a thread to think about I can spoil a ball of yarn. The way people say, "give 'em an inch, they'll take a mile." An inch of thought in my mind can easily and quickly become a galaxy. This probably stems from having so much time with my thoughts as a child. Or my goto which is I think like a scientist. For as long as I could remember I would wander along the paths of my imagination. When I was a child it was creating worlds of escape. I didn't read books (unless I had to) because the worlds I created with my mind were beyond compare.  Now, I think. I pick apart everything you've said to me. I especially unpack with enormous detail a...

 My Love, Why is it that we punish the ones that showed up? I realize why I'm so hesitant at times and it's because the ones that stuck around were the ones I counted on leaving. The ones that left were the ones I wanted desperately to stay. I can't change the heart of man (human). I can't speak to the reasons that cause some to walk away and leave you with dashed hopes of what you wanted that relationship to be. I don't know if I have tips on how to grieve the loss of hope for what they stood for in your life. I'm sorry they left. I'm sorry they didn't fight for you in the way you needed them to. But, for a moment tell yourself that their leaving had nothing to do with you, your worth, or anything you lacked.  When we experience loss in any form I think for most there is a tendency to go within. We begin to pick at the areas most fragile in our lives and blame those insecurities for a set of actions we had no control over. That fear of loss that lingers...

Hey,  I am sorry I've been gone for so long. I wish I could blame it all on the pandemic but the truth is it was so much more than that. I am going to try to give you guys (my) everything on a consistent basis. The plan is to post once a week. I can do this and I'm writing it so I want the accountability. I have a series that has been floating around my mind for a while now and I want to get it out. I'd like to explore love, the idea of it, the experience of it thus far, and the hope for what it could be. I pray this blesses you and you share it. If you don't like it please feel free to scroll past it. Overall may this be an expression of my heart explored in a way I haven't physically learned to express yet. Truth is I'm writing this hoping you read it. Reality is, the one that thinks it's about them will read it and say I'm still into them. The one that I don't care about seeing this will hope it's about them. And of course, you will never know...

  When I was a freshman in high school, I found out I had a brother and sister. I wasn’t devastated, I wasn’t hurt, I was disappointed in my father because I felt he kept a part of me from me. My father and I never had a good relationship and I never really knew him. I’ve seen my father twice in my life and the second time was at his funeral. I know these sentences may come off callous or very matter of fact. However, they are true. Sometimes truth is like medicine it doesn’t taste good but it’s what the body needs to heal. In my first year of high school I was put into a program because I had a decent gpa. I didn’t ask to be in the program and I for sure didn’t want to be in the program. The teacher over the program promised to let me out of the program after that year. Knowing I made this agreement I did whatever I needed to do while in the program. In the adult world of my life my parents were negotiating child support because yes, I was 14 or 15 and my father had not been req...

                                        What are you afraid of? Do you ever question what you were called to do? Do you know what you were called to do? I mean do you know what you were created and put on this earth to do? Fear has a way of creeping in through the small cracks and unseen spaces of our heart and mind. When I was in college, I thought I had been well prepared. I graduated in the top 5% of my graduating class. I thought I had developed good study habits. Yet, when I got to college I was out of my depth. I didn’t know how to ask for help because I felt I should’ve known this material and it was reaffirmed by some of my professors. In my fear of asking for help I struggled. I knew what I wanted to do or I thought I knew but that dream looked out of reach. For years I struggled to ask for help. Back then it was asking for help with my education. But in the fall of 2004, I t...