The Double Down Effect

Most of my overthinking comes from observations I've made. I watch or observe and then I process and I think. I repeat this process often when I'm trying to understand behaviors or determine if what I've observed is a pattern of behavior. There is a theme recently that I've decided to coin the double down effect. 

We can get so caught up in what we want that we lose sight of the lines (boundaries) we are crossing. 

I need to pause for a moment and be honest. I try my very best to write with authenticity and privacy. I am trying my best to tell a story that clarifies my points but honors those in my life who deserve anonymity. It is a struggle at times because there are times I want nothing more than to tell it all. However, that does not honor who I desire to be as a person nor does it create a space of peace within relationships. Please bear with me as I work through this mental challenge. 

I am learning that apologies come easier for some than they do for others. It has been my observation that for some it is easier to double down on the idea that they aren't wrong than it is to just say sorry. I was talking to someone a while ago. I was not in the best mental space and something he said pissed me off. My feelings weren't hurt. I just didn't like what he said. I decided I wasn't going to answer his phone calls for a day or two. But every time I saw him calling I would get mad all over again and wouldn't answer. I am ashamed to say it but a year went by. Yes a whole year (if not longer) before I talked to this person and I never apologies for just ghosting him. We had too much history and we were too good of friends for me to treat him with that type of energy. Now again I was not in the best place mentally and I'm not using that as an excuse. I am saying that in retrospect because I didn't realize that then. In the moment I just doubled down on this idea that I was entitled to how I felt and I could act accordingly. While that may have been true I was wrong to have allowed so much time to pass without communicating to him the issue. I potentially destroyed a great friendship because I chose to double down on my feelings and not communicate. 

Doubling down, in reality, will make you look like an idiot. You think you are standing on a fundamental principle but what you're really doing is not owning that fear has got you in a chokehold and you're afraid. You're afraid of owning being wrong, being out of your comfort zone, or having to agree with the perspective of someone else. We should remind ourselves more often it is okay to be wrong. It is okay to change our minds. Saying I'm sorry for what I've done is normal and okay. We don't have to plant our feet more firmly into a bad idea. When we do that we don't notice the compromise we make in other areas. For example, every day there is a news clip, a reel, a meme of a "Karen" or "Cliff" doubling down on pure hatred. Hate is not the opposite of love. It is FEAR. While the actions of these (yes I said these) people seem to stem from a place of hate they are really rooted in fear. These actions, while horrendous and hateful are from a place of fear. There is a fear that causes the majority (SOME of the majority) to double down on their behavior because they can't be wrong. 

We can all see the "majority" is willing to throw the baby out with the bathwater to prove a point. However, there are so many times we double down in relationships because we fear the possibility of being wrong. What if your parents are right and that person isn't right for you? You don't have to prove to them they are then one. Love will find you again and the next time love will be tailored just for you. What if you told your children you were wrong and you were sorry? They would see you as an even stronger human that they can love and talk to because you to aren't perfect like them. We don't have to live in this idea of who we think people want us to be. We can be vulnerable, and honest, and kind. We don't have to double down in fear of not being heard, or seen, or understood. 

Can we strive to be our most authentic selves? Approaching relationships of all kinds with honesty. Changing our minds when we desire, apologizing when we are wrong, and communicating when we are fearful. We can have the life we dreamed. It takes hard work, communication, and lots of love. 

To my friend: I am sorry it took me a year to speak with you. You are one of the most talented persons I know and I'm in awe of who you are becoming. I am sure you will be written amongst the greats in history. Keep writing your story. You are a steadfast son ever on the alter.

Love ya,

-Juls