ThatTimeJuls...

If I'm honest I'm still a little pissed about some things that were said. Now, granted I can only hold you accountable to the things I've heard you say but  I 've heard so much.  You ever have those moments where you have been having a conversation in your head over and over with someone? So, naturally when you see them your off to the races, out the gate firing shots. The only thing is they weren't in your head and have no idea where the attack is coming from. No matter how warranted they are coming in at mid conversation and even that is putting it mildly. You have been stewing in this mental conversation. Observing all the things, making sure to pay extra close to the details of what was said and how. You have made an entire menu from this mental conversation that you have (I have) had with NO ONE!!!! This conversation has only been in my mind. I've replayed, rethought, recasted, turned the camera angle, filled from the other side but still all the characters...

My love, I believed you when you said you were sorry. When you told me things were going to be different I hoped that to be true. But I see you creeping back to the ways that brought us here. Did you mean it when you apologized? You said you were sorry for the actions that hurt me. Was that true or did you play me to believe you had changed when I see the same thing? I believed you or I wanted to well I tried to. I'm learning my love, that apologies are intentions that require no action. We all have good intentions and hope no one gets hurt. But in the end what does it really mean when we can't see intent and we all feel hurt. Forgiveness is given regardless of an apology. However, forgiveness does not mean the relationship is restored. Forgiveness means I no longer hold your actions against you. I am free to move with or without you. You are free to move in a direction of your choice but it may not include me. My involvement in your life is my choice and that depends on your a...

 My Love, Why is it that we punish the ones that showed up? I realize why I'm so hesitant at times and it's because the ones that stuck around were the ones I counted on leaving. The ones that left were the ones I wanted desperately to stay. I can't change the heart of man (human). I can't speak to the reasons that cause some to walk away and leave you with dashed hopes of what you wanted that relationship to be. I don't know if I have tips on how to grieve the loss of hope for what they stood for in your life. I'm sorry they left. I'm sorry they didn't fight for you in the way you needed them to. But, for a moment tell yourself that their leaving had nothing to do with you, your worth, or anything you lacked.  When we experience loss in any form I think for most there is a tendency to go within. We begin to pick at the areas most fragile in our lives and blame those insecurities for a set of actions we had no control over. That fear of loss that lingers...

Hey,  I am sorry I've been gone for so long. I wish I could blame it all on the pandemic but the truth is it was so much more than that. I am going to try to give you guys (my) everything on a consistent basis. The plan is to post once a week. I can do this and I'm writing it so I want the accountability. I have a series that has been floating around my mind for a while now and I want to get it out. I'd like to explore love, the idea of it, the experience of it thus far, and the hope for what it could be. I pray this blesses you and you share it. If you don't like it please feel free to scroll past it. Overall may this be an expression of my heart explored in a way I haven't physically learned to express yet. Truth is I'm writing this hoping you read it. Reality is, the one that thinks it's about them will read it and say I'm still into them. The one that I don't care about seeing this will hope it's about them. And of course, you will never know...

                                        What are you afraid of? Do you ever question what you were called to do? Do you know what you were called to do? I mean do you know what you were created and put on this earth to do? Fear has a way of creeping in through the small cracks and unseen spaces of our heart and mind. When I was in college, I thought I had been well prepared. I graduated in the top 5% of my graduating class. I thought I had developed good study habits. Yet, when I got to college I was out of my depth. I didn’t know how to ask for help because I felt I should’ve known this material and it was reaffirmed by some of my professors. In my fear of asking for help I struggled. I knew what I wanted to do or I thought I knew but that dream looked out of reach. For years I struggled to ask for help. Back then it was asking for help with my education. But in the fall of 2004, I t...

  I don’t have a monopoly on hurt and pain! Do you know the pain of the people around you? The people who pour into your life have hurt too. I had this thought some months ago regarding a friend I love dearly. I felt they were so stuck in the hurt and pain of past relationships that it was spilling over into our friendship. I didn’t know how to tell them they were doing to me what was being done to them. So, I started to pray. What God said to me was you don’t have a monopoly of hurt and pain. I thought it was meant for my friend, but I realize it was for me. While it may apply to my friend, I had to look at the area of my life that I use my past hurts to mistreat those around me that love me. There are some people in our lives that haven’t asked to be in the roles they are in, like my children. Children love their parents no matter what and as a parent I love and protect my babies no matter what. I have to check my issues because my children are innocent and didn’t ask to be her...