But I Look Good on Paper...

If I'm honest I'm still a little pissed about some things that were said. Now, granted I can only hold you accountable to the things I've heard you say but  I 've heard so much. 

You ever have those moments where you have been having a conversation in your head over and over with someone? So, naturally when you see them your off to the races, out the gate firing shots. The only thing is they weren't in your head and have no idea where the attack is coming from. No matter how warranted they are coming in at mid conversation and even that is putting it mildly. You have been stewing in this mental conversation. Observing all the things, making sure to pay extra close to the details of what was said and how. You have made an entire menu from this mental conversation that you have (I have) had with NO ONE!!!! This conversation has only been in my mind. I've replayed, rethought, recasted, turned the camera angle, filled from the other side but still all the characters were played by me, in my mind. 

I'm learning to communicate. More importantly, I'm learning to not hold people accountable to the conversations I've never had with them. We expect people to know how we feel without actually telling them. Then we feel some type of way when they don't show up the way we expected them to. Just like falling alseep on the text book didn't transfer knowledge the night before the test. Expecting people to know how you feel without telling them doesn't work either. 

So, I'll start this again because I know I didn't communicate it well (if at all the first time). You said something to me and if I'm honest it consumes me because I don't know if you were throwing shade or if you were protecting yourself. We had a series of conversations and you told me you look good on paper. The statement confused me because I wasn't sure why your resume was relevant at that moment. Where you saying I don't look good on paper? Where you deflecting from the topic we were on? I'm just not sure why resumes were brought into a conversation about feelings. 

I'm not hiring you for a job. I didn't know I was interviewing you for a position in my life. But, since we're here. When you decided that the paper copy of you what was I should work with you chose wrong. You limited your self to 2 dimensions when love is beyond corodiantes to a plane. You thought my capacity to see you was what you had to offer in black and white but my capacity to see you was pure insight. Divine wisdom downloaded from above was what you had the ability to partner with but you were looking to be an hourly, a hired hand at best. I mean that's what the paper was for right? 

See you asked me to look at the paper but don't forget I need to make a call to your last place of employment. After all you've forgone the option for conversation. Shall I go down the list of pervious work history to see just how qualified you are for the position of relationship? I would have rather learn you over time but you seem so confident in the paper version of you. Paper could never grasp who you really are. It is only meant to give an idea of your capabilities. When you told me you looked good on paper it made me feel some type of way. People lie on paper to get jobs everyday. They beef up their resume to make themselves look good and I never took you for the type. You played a card on this one and it was bad move. I only hope in the future you communicate with truth. 

I saw you never paper. Flesh and bone wrapped with kindness and complexity. You were a friend when I needed someone to see me deeply. You reminded my heart of what love was. If only for a moment we existed I am forever grateful. Feelings can not be felt on paper. Love is experiences beyond time and space. Communication happens through conversation even when you don't want to have it. It's okay to love, to hurt, to try again. It's okay to live. 

Love ya

-Juls