A Broken Heart or A Bruised Ego?

My love, I believed you when you said you were sorry. When you told me things were going to be different I hoped that to be true. But I see you creeping back to the ways that brought us here. Did you mean it when you apologized? You said you were sorry for the actions that hurt me. Was that true or did you play me to believe you had changed when I see the same thing? I believed you or I wanted to well I tried to. I'm learning my love, that apologies are intentions that require no action. We all have good intentions and hope no one gets hurt. But in the end what does it really mean when we can't see intent and we all feel hurt.

Forgiveness is given regardless of an apology. However, forgiveness does not mean the relationship is restored. Forgiveness means I no longer hold your actions against you. I am free to move with or without you. You are free to move in a direction of your choice but it may not include me. My involvement in your life is my choice and that depends on your actions my love. 

We often confuse forgiveness and repentance. Repentance is such an old-sounding, archaic word. We assume it only relates to our relationship with God. But my love in whose image are we created? There is so much of our relationship with God that is parallel to our relationships with each other. So, let's not get caught up in the way the word sounds but remind ourselves of what it means. The way I see and understand repentance is when I realized my actions have damaged our relationship and I refuse to ever hurt you in that way. I will gladly reap the consequences of my actions to show you that I will never do that again. Repentance leads to restoration. Unresolved forgiveness leads to separation. My love, I long for restorations but I will continue to walk in this separation for my health.

I feel we are so broken because we've longed to believe that some apologies are steeped in change. But they are nothing more than a string of finely crafted words painted on a pretty canvas. There was no depth rooted in change and because of that things must be rearranged. Now, please don't think repentance is a one-way street. It must be received just as much as it is offered. When someone is genuinely sorry and committed to change and accountability the other person must be willing to receive it. It's easy to sulk in heartache. But is your heart broken or is your ego just bruised? 

 We love to create the space of being hurt and heartbroken. If I'm honest my love, you didn't break my heart you bruised my ego. It's a whole lot harder to bounce back from a bruised ego. My ego will allow you to pay for your actions indefinitely. My ego can't receive remorse it doesn't speak that language. My ego will forgive you because it will move on without you. You see my love, we get ego and heart twisted like soft-serve ice cream and it's not the same thing.  There were so many times my ego spoke for my heart and things fell apart. Truthfully, you bruised my ego you were never even close to my heart.