My Love...

Hey, 

I am sorry I've been gone for so long. I wish I could blame it all on the pandemic but the truth is it was so much more than that. I am going to try to give you guys (my) everything on a consistent basis. The plan is to post once a week. I can do this and I'm writing it so I want the accountability. I have a series that has been floating around my mind for a while now and I want to get it out. I'd like to explore love, the idea of it, the experience of it thus far, and the hope for what it could be. I pray this blesses you and you share it. If you don't like it please feel free to scroll past it. Overall may this be an expression of my heart explored in a way I haven't physically learned to express yet.

Truth is I'm writing this hoping you read it. Reality is, the one that thinks it's about them will read it and say I'm still into them. The one that I don't care about seeing this will hope it's about them. And of course, you will never know it was about you the whole time. Isn't that how love works? We obsess over the unrequited love. We hope for the toxic love to find the ph balance of love. We repeat the cycle but think we've changed it up but all we really did was change up the people and most of the time the names. 

I wanted to write about how I loved you. I wanted to explore the expression of that love and how it had grown. However, I'm left with the idea of you. I'm left with the thought of you. I'm left with the version of you that you felt was best; you on paper. And well, paper is biodegradable and while feelings may be fickle my experience is set on replay. You were, you are beautiful. 

I don't know why even when I want to hate you I can only find love for you. It was always you. I wish you could see you through my eyes, through my heart, through the lens God has given me to see you. You are perfectly imperfect. You are a beautiful, brown king, worthy of love that is kind, pure, and gentle. You are worth peace, health, wealth, and every good and perfect thing God has created. Maybe it's fear between us or maybe it's something else. I'm not sure what it is but I know have to say goodbye. 

I have to say goodbye to the idea of what we could've been. I have to let go of the hope that you were who I pray for. I have to let go of the unspoken words, the moments when silence was chosen, and the times we oped not to call. It's those moments when we chose to dissolve what could've been out of fear of messing up what was. And now what is there? Cordial greetings of hi and bye. Let's be honest we don't even have that. 

It was always you. The thing I never told you was that. It was always you before I even realized it, or wanted it to be, it was you. I guess I figured it out too late. So, I'll put it here and hope that one day you will see this and know that it was you. It was you that I wanted to spend endless nights with. I was you I wanted to share every dream with. It was you that found me in my dreams. It was you that I choose; it is you that I choose. It will always be you. We may live separate lives and never see each other again but I hope that you know I would always choose you just the way you are, just the way God created you. I wish you could see you the way I see you. 

I pray your heart opens to love and that you allow the hurt you replay to be taped over like a 90's cassette tape. You are worth playing the soundtrack of LOVE on repeat. You are deserving of the most amazing love because you were created and molded in the hands of the one that designed love. Bad things may have happened and you may have done some of the bad things BUT, it doesn't change your design. You are still created to love and be loved. I hope you allow yourself to believe that. I pray for you to see you the way I see you. Even greater I pray you see you the way God created you to be seen. The way He see's you. 

My love, "you are altogether beautiful, my darling there is no flaw in you." Song of Solomon 4:7

Love

-Juls

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