Blogtober Day 16…

 
When I was a freshman in high school, I found out I had a brother and sister. I wasn’t devastated, I wasn’t hurt, I was disappointed in my father because I felt he kept a part of me from me. My father and I never had a good relationship and I never really knew him. I’ve seen my father twice in my life and the second time was at his funeral. I know these sentences may come off callous or very matter of fact. However, they are true. Sometimes truth is like medicine it doesn’t taste good but it’s what the body needs to heal.

In my first year of high school I was put into a program because I had a decent gpa. I didn’t ask to be in the program and I for sure didn’t want to be in the program. The teacher over the program promised to let me out of the program after that year. Knowing I made this agreement I did whatever I needed to do while in the program. In the adult world of my life my parents were negotiating child support because yes, I was 14 or 15 and my father had not been required to help in any way. In the college world my sister was a senior in college and my brother was a freshman that year. I was the only year they would be at the same school. The only year I would be in a program that would take me to that school. And the only year my parents would negotiate child support.

My father in a conversation with my mom asked if we had any plans. My mom offered my plans to visit a college with this program. My father response first with silence and then with the truth of my siblings being students at that college (yes, an HBCU we are a proud family, educated by great Historically Black Colleges and Universities). The truth came out to the three of us and that weekend on a college tour I met my brother. My sister was taking a major exam and I was traveling back home by the time she was done.

That is the abbreviate story of how I met my siblings before I met my father. It’s true and there were moments when I thought it sucked that my siblings and I didn’t know each other as children. I know God had a purpose and plan and we have decided to be better parents, aunts, and uncles because of it. I said earlier that my father and I were never close. That is a true statement as well. I don’t like the way it feels to say or even type but its true. I’m not left with scares from it though. My mom reminded me continually that God my Father is a father to the fatherless and a mother to the motherless. This doesn’t mean I never longed for my earthly father’s love. It means God held me even closer on the days (and nights) that I did long for an earthly father that would show up.

I don’t know where your fears and insecurities my stem from, but I know that God can heal you and hold you in the process. Maybe there are some truths that you don’t want to deal with, but you have a Heavenly Father that wants to hold your hand as you deal with them. In fact, that Holy Spirit wants to help you deal with the truth so you can heal from the pain of the lies. I read in a book called, “Boundaries in Dating,” the most profound statement: Where there is a lie, there is no relationship.

When we withhold the truth, tell a lie, or not give all the information necessary for someone to make an informed decision, in that moment we’ve decided the relationship with that person will have no foundation. I didn’t read this book until years after my father died and years after a failed marriage. In hindsight I understand why those relationships couldn’t walk forward together. If you are honest with anyone, please be honest with yourself and God. What do you say to yourself about yourself? What you say comes from what you think and what you think in your heart is who you are. Don’t tell yourself lies because eventually you will begin to believe them. More importantly, God already knows the truth so there is no point in lying to him.

Back to my relationship with my earthly father. I don’t know why he treated me the way he did but I know (of course now) it had nothing to do with me. My father had his own issues and he was who he was. We aren’t all blessed to have awesome dads and that is okay. I’m thankful that my Heavenly Father can and always will fill in the gaps of everything I longed for. I pray that you lean on Christ more when you are lonely, feel forgotten, or even abandon. No matter what age trust that its okay to feel this way is you are 5, 15, or 55. Healing comes in waves and when it the feelings come deal with them. Tell yourself the truth in how you feel and even when the truth hurts swallow it like medicine and know that healing is coming.

Love ya,

-Juls