Details of Thoughts and of Love

Hey Lover,

You remember when we got into that argument? The one that I brought up nearly every month for 3 months. I was thinking... 

Have you gotten caught up in the details of something? Have you ever caught yourself reflecting on something and seeing the details you missed?

Details...

I am an elaborate overthinker. If you give me a thread to think about I can spoil a ball of yarn. The way people say, "give 'em an inch, they'll take a mile." An inch of thought in my mind can easily and quickly become a galaxy. This probably stems from having so much time with my thoughts as a child. Or my goto which is I think like a scientist. For as long as I could remember I would wander along the paths of my imagination. When I was a child it was creating worlds of escape. I didn't read books (unless I had to) because the worlds I created with my mind were beyond compare. 

Now, I think. I pick apart everything you've said to me. I especially unpack with enormous detail all the things you didn't say but your body said. I watched the way your eyes moved when you finished that last sentence. I saw the way your body shifted in such a way as your phone rang, only to place it faced down. When did you put that code on it, love? I think thoughts I never have before. I don't like them but I can't unthink them. I'm so caught up in the details of my thoughts I'm losing sight of who you are, or were, or will be. I don't know anymore because I think. I am consumed by the thoughts I no longer see we, or us. Love, I'm losing us and I can't gather the words to tell you. 

I tried to tell you once. I worked so hard on the words I wanted to say. I wanted to tell you that I didn't care about what happened. I was moving on and putting my thoughts to rest. I was going to find a way to lock them in a compartment of my mind where they couldn't escape. But as I waited for you to get out of the shower, the words clinging to my lips, your phone rang. I thought it was your job but it wasn't. Why did you leave your phone love? Why were you careless that morning? I wanted to pack my thoughts away and start over but your phone rang. 

My love- "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there..." Psalms 139:7-8

I feel stretched in a way that is unfamiliar. Undescribable is this thing. It's hot but cold. I feel it in what I can only gather to be my soul. It is a warmth but in a tingling, my leg fell asleep kind of way. A fire in the darkest depths of me. I didn't know this existed. This thing it burns. And now I'm left with my thoughts. I never told you I wanted to start over, did I? I just left. There was no goodbye. There was no argument or conversation. I just left. I walked out of the door, picking up the fractured pieces of what I thought this could be.

I thought I think, I analyzed and still missed it. That's the funny thing about details sometimes you're too close to the picture to see the masterpiece. Other times you can be so far away from the picture just looks like splashed paint. Love is a painting of lives. It takes the hurt and the joy and the ups and the downs to create a unique work of art that is designed with you in it. My love- don't stop choosing love because of sorrow. Love is the thread of thought that brought me you. So if you are going to lean into something lean into the details of Love. 

-My beloved is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. Song of Solomon 5:10

Love,

Juls

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Broken Heart or A Bruised Ego?

Image
My love, I believed you when you said you were sorry. When you told me things were going to be different I hoped that to be true. But I see you creeping back to the ways that brought us here. Did you mean it when you apologized? You said you were sorry for the actions that hurt me. Was that true or did you play me to believe you had changed when I see the same thing? I believed you or I wanted to well I tried to. I'm learning my love, that apologies are intentions that require no action. We all have good intentions and hope no one gets hurt. But in the end what does it really mean when we can't see intent and we all feel hurt. Forgiveness is given regardless of an apology. However, forgiveness does not mean the relationship is restored. Forgiveness means I no longer hold your actions against you. I am free to move with or without you. You are free to move in a direction of your choice but it may not include me. My involvement in your life is my choice and that depends on your a...
Read more

Your Ready and My Ready Might Not Be The Same Ready

Image
Have you ever had a friend or family member that you felt had so much potential but didn't have the drive? I remember getting to a point in my life where I decided I was no longer dating potential. In physics potential energy has the ability to become kinetic energy but it needs a force to act on it. I'm sure you have all heard the saying, "An object at rest will stay at rest, and an object in motion will stay in motion until a force acts on it." We so often want to be the force that pushes the people we love into their purpose, great life choices, or a healthy direction. Recently, I am seeing things in such a different way. We reserve the push of "faith" or hopeful belief for people we love, like, or see something in. We rarely offer that belief or push of faith to our frienemy, or to our loved ones whose dreams we don't understand or agree with. But why? Why do we so eagerly want to be the force that propels someone into their purpose, especially when ...
Read more

Life is Still Good Even Though it Doesn't Look the Way You Thought it Would...

Image
 Life doesn't always take the shape of the plans you originally had. Sometimes you don't even see the life you hoped for. But, if you keep on the journey life will take you down paths you never thought would or could be worthy of.  I thought... isn't that the start of every downward spiral? I thought. Sometimes we need to go back a few steps, thoughts, moments to better understand where we are and where we're going. My oldest is chartering his path as a high school freshman. I can only reflect on my high school experience. When I was in high school all I wanted was to lay a foundation that would get me out of my city (New Orleans). I couldn't see past getting out. All I could see was how everyone around me looked stuck. I couldn't pinpoint when they appeared stuck because it seemed like that was life. And I didn't want that life. I wanted big city because I had big city dreams.  Moments make our lives and shape the decisions we make. I was blessed in so many...
Read more