ThatTimeJuls...

 How do I begin to express every thought onto paper, every emotion into words, and every feeling into a comprehendible expression? There are so many times where I have a whole lot I want to say but I'm silent. My tongue-tied, my throat in knots, and my mind moving miles a minute. If for a moment I could just say what it is I want to say maybe I wouldn't feel so alone in my thoughts. Every conversation is an uphill battle for anxiety. Make sure you don't have a resting bitch face. Think through what you want to say because you have a list of people that will remind you of your lack of filter. Make sure you're kind because you know there is another list of people that think you're mean. After all of that what I have to say is pointless to me and I'd rather not.  People, even with the purest of intentions can still be hurtful and never know. Truth in the form of accountability wrapped in the kindest of words is still the sharpest knife. I am a lover of truth. I lov...

Most of my overthinking comes from observations I've made. I watch or observe and then I process and I think. I repeat this process often when I'm trying to understand behaviors or determine if what I've observed is a pattern of behavior. There is a theme recently that I've decided to coin the double down effect.  We can get so caught up in what we want that we lose sight of the lines (boundaries) we are crossing.  I need to pause for a moment and be honest. I try my very best to write with authenticity and privacy. I am trying my best to tell a story that clarifies my points but honors those in my life who deserve anonymity. It is a struggle at times because there are times I want nothing more than to tell it all. However, that does not honor who I desire to be as a person nor does it create a space of peace within relationships. Please bear with me as I work through this mental challenge.  I am learning that apologies come easier for some than they do for others. It h...

Art by: Danielle Warsley Williams Instagram: @warsleywillcreate Art by: Danielle Warsley Williams Instagram: @warsleywillcreate   Lately, it seems like everything is toxic. If you don't agree with me you're toxic. If you agree with me too quickly, you're toxic. If our opinions differ in ways that make me uncomfortable yep you guessed it... you're toxic. We love to take an idea, concept, thought and milk it dry.  Me having healthy boundaries that protect my mental, physical, and spiritual wellbeing will never be toxic. It will make you uncomfortable because the games you're used to playing no longer work. I will upset you because I'm standing my ground and you no longer have a foothold. Healthy boundaries are meant to keep the good in and the bad out. If you find yourself on the out wouldn't that make you toxic? Since toxic is something that is extremely bad to the point of harm it is safe to say better out than in.  There are times when we look at situations...

If I'm honest I'm still a little pissed about some things that were said. Now, granted I can only hold you accountable to the things I've heard you say but  I 've heard so much.  You ever have those moments where you have been having a conversation in your head over and over with someone? So, naturally when you see them your off to the races, out the gate firing shots. The only thing is they weren't in your head and have no idea where the attack is coming from. No matter how warranted they are coming in at mid conversation and even that is putting it mildly. You have been stewing in this mental conversation. Observing all the things, making sure to pay extra close to the details of what was said and how. You have made an entire menu from this mental conversation that you have (I have) had with NO ONE!!!! This conversation has only been in my mind. I've replayed, rethought, recasted, turned the camera angle, filled from the other side but still all the characters...

My love, I believed you when you said you were sorry. When you told me things were going to be different I hoped that to be true. But I see you creeping back to the ways that brought us here. Did you mean it when you apologized? You said you were sorry for the actions that hurt me. Was that true or did you play me to believe you had changed when I see the same thing? I believed you or I wanted to well I tried to. I'm learning my love, that apologies are intentions that require no action. We all have good intentions and hope no one gets hurt. But in the end what does it really mean when we can't see intent and we all feel hurt. Forgiveness is given regardless of an apology. However, forgiveness does not mean the relationship is restored. Forgiveness means I no longer hold your actions against you. I am free to move with or without you. You are free to move in a direction of your choice but it may not include me. My involvement in your life is my choice and that depends on your a...

Hey Lover, You remember when we got into that argument? The one that I brought up nearly every month for 3 months. I was thinking...  Have you gotten caught up in the details of something? Have you ever caught yourself reflecting on something and seeing the details you missed? Details... I am an elaborate overthinker. If you give me a thread to think about I can spoil a ball of yarn. The way people say, "give 'em an inch, they'll take a mile." An inch of thought in my mind can easily and quickly become a galaxy. This probably stems from having so much time with my thoughts as a child. Or my goto which is I think like a scientist. For as long as I could remember I would wander along the paths of my imagination. When I was a child it was creating worlds of escape. I didn't read books (unless I had to) because the worlds I created with my mind were beyond compare.  Now, I think. I pick apart everything you've said to me. I especially unpack with enormous detail a...

 My Love, Why is it that we punish the ones that showed up? I realize why I'm so hesitant at times and it's because the ones that stuck around were the ones I counted on leaving. The ones that left were the ones I wanted desperately to stay. I can't change the heart of man (human). I can't speak to the reasons that cause some to walk away and leave you with dashed hopes of what you wanted that relationship to be. I don't know if I have tips on how to grieve the loss of hope for what they stood for in your life. I'm sorry they left. I'm sorry they didn't fight for you in the way you needed them to. But, for a moment tell yourself that their leaving had nothing to do with you, your worth, or anything you lacked.  When we experience loss in any form I think for most there is a tendency to go within. We begin to pick at the areas most fragile in our lives and blame those insecurities for a set of actions we had no control over. That fear of loss that lingers...