ThatTimeJuls...

My love, I believed you when you said you were sorry. When you told me things were going to be different I hoped that to be true. But I see you creeping back to the ways that brought us here. Did you mean it when you apologized? You said you were sorry for the actions that hurt me. Was that true or did you play me to believe you had changed when I see the same thing? I believed you or I wanted to well I tried to. I'm learning my love, that apologies are intentions that require no action. We all have good intentions and hope no one gets hurt. But in the end what does it really mean when we can't see intent and we all feel hurt. Forgiveness is given regardless of an apology. However, forgiveness does not mean the relationship is restored. Forgiveness means I no longer hold your actions against you. I am free to move with or without you. You are free to move in a direction of your choice but it may not include me. My involvement in your life is my choice and that depends on your a...

Hey Lover, You remember when we got into that argument? The one that I brought up nearly every month for 3 months. I was thinking...  Have you gotten caught up in the details of something? Have you ever caught yourself reflecting on something and seeing the details you missed? Details... I am an elaborate overthinker. If you give me a thread to think about I can spoil a ball of yarn. The way people say, "give 'em an inch, they'll take a mile." An inch of thought in my mind can easily and quickly become a galaxy. This probably stems from having so much time with my thoughts as a child. Or my goto which is I think like a scientist. For as long as I could remember I would wander along the paths of my imagination. When I was a child it was creating worlds of escape. I didn't read books (unless I had to) because the worlds I created with my mind were beyond compare.  Now, I think. I pick apart everything you've said to me. I especially unpack with enormous detail a...

 My Love, Why is it that we punish the ones that showed up? I realize why I'm so hesitant at times and it's because the ones that stuck around were the ones I counted on leaving. The ones that left were the ones I wanted desperately to stay. I can't change the heart of man (human). I can't speak to the reasons that cause some to walk away and leave you with dashed hopes of what you wanted that relationship to be. I don't know if I have tips on how to grieve the loss of hope for what they stood for in your life. I'm sorry they left. I'm sorry they didn't fight for you in the way you needed them to. But, for a moment tell yourself that their leaving had nothing to do with you, your worth, or anything you lacked.  When we experience loss in any form I think for most there is a tendency to go within. We begin to pick at the areas most fragile in our lives and blame those insecurities for a set of actions we had no control over. That fear of loss that lingers...

Hey,  I am sorry I've been gone for so long. I wish I could blame it all on the pandemic but the truth is it was so much more than that. I am going to try to give you guys (my) everything on a consistent basis. The plan is to post once a week. I can do this and I'm writing it so I want the accountability. I have a series that has been floating around my mind for a while now and I want to get it out. I'd like to explore love, the idea of it, the experience of it thus far, and the hope for what it could be. I pray this blesses you and you share it. If you don't like it please feel free to scroll past it. Overall may this be an expression of my heart explored in a way I haven't physically learned to express yet. Truth is I'm writing this hoping you read it. Reality is, the one that thinks it's about them will read it and say I'm still into them. The one that I don't care about seeing this will hope it's about them. And of course, you will never know...